heroin_chiiiic

break was intense.

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 18:07:59 GMT

and fun but it was ruined for me.
it hurts so bad that all i want to do is lock myself in my room and cry but i cant even do that everytime i try to cry nothing comes out.
i dont know why
im like not capable of crying.
i dont know i dont know
then has me call him
"janey i love you still so much i fucking love you i really love you"
kay what the fuck?
but i cant turn him down cuz i love him too.
too much

and it was all his choices that fucked everything up but im scared to be mad at him
and im really scared of losing him.
i dont know whats going to happen

uhhhhhhh

so break
was alot of drinking
no drugs really
besides LSA
but just getting drunk every night

it was fun.. like incredibly fun
i love being drunk, but i hate it too
i tell too many secrets when im drunk hah
but ahhh to be drunk with my tripod
it was great funnn but then again they make anything fun

annnnnnnnd
i think my moms doingg **** again
shes acting crazy locking me in my room turning off the power ignoring everyone and screaming and tearing up the fucking house for no reason really

and she says im making her sick

im really scared shes going to send me to maine :[

wow finally im going to update this shit.

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 21:18:32 GMT

what the fuuck
i forgot i even had a live journal.
i dont remember the last time i even wrote in here?
i dont have internet annymoreee
cuz we cant afford ittt.
we cant really afford anything now.
what the fuck is new?
-half of the friends i used to have ive lost...
dont even know why
i mean
its not entirely my fault
people can call me too
whatever
it sucks but burnt bridges arent easy to repair
and i cant do it by myself.
-TRIPOD- closer than everrr,
like really
the best of friends
id die without sarah elizabeth and amanda grace
my lovvvessss
i spend every weekend with them
i dont hang out with anyone else anymoreeee prettty much.
-boyfriend!!!
jimmy :]
hes so omggg i dont even knowww
perfect to mee
and im helping him
and hes helping me
i love him with All of my heart
he means so much to me
ive never loved anyone this way before
its intenseee
-schooool
i go to an oppurtunity school now
but not really
since i never go
i got kicked out of my old school
and sent here
but i still dont go
so i dont know
-mommmmm
she is fucking dissapointed and ashamed and everything bad you could feel
is what she feels towards me
every day is another huge fight
im just waiting for the day she officially kicks me outt
keep my bags packed i guesss.

annnnnnnnnnnd

ive come to the conclusion
ill pop any pill
ill do almost any drug noww

lately:triple c

tripod pact

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 07:43:11 GMT

1-5-06

TRIPOD PACT:
from this day forward, we are optimists. now we know your life can be taken away, just like that.We're going to live our lives to the fullest, take every chance, and regret nothing.

tonight me sarah and amanda went to get something from kmart and in the parking lot someone yelled " GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR" and shit like that and he had a gun and he kept yelling and threatning the other guy and it was fucking scary.
so we ran back to sarahs car
and yeah it was not fun.
and tonight?
we are doing triple c
we did something like that last night too.
ha
pop pills.
yeee

strung out.

Thu, 28 Dec 2006 15:50:46 GMT

7 48 in the a.m.
im at sarahs
amanda and sarah are passed out.
i havent written in here in awhile.....

all i know right now is,
im losing one of my best friends.
and oxycontin is ... a very addicting drug.
im falling hard
i dont know which way is up or down anymore.
honestly.

but when im with TRIPOD life is better.
i love them.
<333

fuck

Sun, 24 Dec 2006 00:52:05 GMT

i havent written in awhile.
lets see
ive been with sarah almost all week
i cant go home
its really hard for me too.
i did oxy again he other night
its fuckign amazing
and last night got hella fucken drunk with sarah and amanda and i watched all sarahs brohers and there girlfriends get fucked upit was rlly fun.
im so glad to have sarah and amanda.
mothafucken tripod
its love.
the only family i need.
<3
right now im at my aunts.
shes having a christmas party
fuckin yipee
i think im gonan get baked tonight though.
im looking forward to this

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 05:55:50 GMT

ive got so much anger stored inside me it scares me.
i dont know what to do with it anymore.
i hope i dont blow up on anyone but myself

i wish i was deaf

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 07:08:21 GMT

so i didnt have to deal with peoples shit.
but i dont know.

im at sarahs
shes letting me stay the night cuz shes an amazing friend and she knows i really dont want to be home
i love herr so much<3

me and my mom got in a fight i thrashed my room and broke a mirror
i was so pissed
i didnt even know what to do with myself
if my mom didnt get out when she did i know i would have punched her straight to the muthafuckin dome.

so lately lifes shitty and ive been drunk and high more then usual
i did oc last night
it was intense
i dont remember passing out but i woke up at 5 30 on my floor
like wtf trip out
i really liked it though :]
and it helped with my insomnia

cuz ive been going 2-3 days without sleeping or eating lately
im killing myself i know itt.

eh tomorrow, im actually going to school
and then im gonna go to gilroy get fucked up and pass out there
i dont wanna go home.
hopefully it works out

oh yee new years@!
kick back sesh at sarahs with large amounts of alcohol weed and oc

im excited for that ish

yeee friday night tweakera

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 04:03:43 GMT

hahahhaaa
fun weeeekend

friday-amandaaa and sarah surprised me with pizzaaa and ispent the night at sarahsss got a little ummm....... whats theword
strung outtt
ahaa
and saturday me and sarah got drunnnkk cuz my brother bought us mmini kegs
haha
sarah can chuggg fuck!
hahahaha
and today i got everyone all of their christmas preesents
and i got my boots
yeee

ahh
i havent slept barely all weekend
maybe 6 hours total
fuckin tweaker status

i know ill be okay

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 14:59:10 GMT

no sleep
no food
no sleep
today i sleep.
tomorrow me and sarah are doing our hair
yeee
and yesterday amanda got hers done
it looks fuckin amazing,
shit talkers fights and boys have drained me
today im resting
till 3 anyways.

my life at this moment. and before this moment

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 06:16:46 GMT

i dont know
why
i feel like writing
a long ass entry
on here.
but sometimes things just have to be said.

so,lately my problems are getting bigger and bigger
ive got a mountain of them
but its not on my back
i really havent been thinking about them
or making decisions on them
because i like to avoid things
i always havee.
i block things out
ive been worrying about the little INSIGNIFIGANT [sp] things
like boys.
and there stupid confusing immature fucked up ways.
but anyways
i dont know how to take the important things seriously
i need someone to teach me
how to be responsible for my own actions
and mistakes
bbecause i have never had too be that way
but now im growing up and im forced into it

i know i want to drop out
i cant stand school
you cant understand how stupid i feel there
and i refuse to be somewhere where people are constantly looking down on me
i know im not smart. ive always know that.
me amanda and sarah
were talking about moving in together last weekend
and i think its such a good idea
i really do
i hope it works out

im not entirely sure
where my lifes going
if its down the drain right now or not
it doesnt feel like it is
but maybe from the outside it looks that way

thisdoesntmakesense at all i know.

we are worried.

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 04:46:42 GMT

all the drugs in this world wont save her from herself.
you are living in a haze.
and its scaring the people around you
im not a pussy for posting this on lj
its all i can think about lately.
that im worried about you
you know who you are
i still love you with all of my heart, you mean so much to me.
i just hope you arent going down a really bad path

well well well

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 02:21:04 GMT

last night.
was full of mixed signals ARGH
but going to that park when it was all rainy and sitting there talking to sarah and smoking made my day.
honestlyy.
today
we got our tree.
and decorated our house.
buttttt some crazy shit happend.
and i hope he is okay.
i hope they are okay.

malt liquorrr

Sat, 09 Dec 2006 12:30:44 GMT

haha
fridaay
fun shit
tripod
drinking 40z and smoking
and hanging out in private christian schoools.
i fucking love amanda and sarah
they are amazinggg
im so happy i fucking met them!
:]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

one more before i sleep

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 06:08:40 GMT

[NOW ]
Current mood: confused
Current music: cartel "runaway"
Current taste: marlboro reds
Current hair: pinned back.bobby bin
Current clothes: track pants and a tank top
Current annoyance: stupid fucking people
Current smell: cigarette smoke
Current thing I should be doing:sleeping.
Current windows open: myspace,live journal
Current desktop picture: hot man from chiodos
Current favorite band: eitherrrr chiodos or ivoryline
Current book: running with scissors
Current CD in stereo: mixes
Current crush: fuck himmm.
Current favorite celeb: nicole richie

[ DO YOU.. ]
Smoke?:fuck yes
Do drugs?: yes
Have a dream that keeps coming back?:not currently.
Remember your first crush?:2nd graaadee.i held his hand.cute shit.
Still love him/her?: no
Read the newspaper?: no
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: mhmm
Believe in miracles?: fuck no.
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?:no
Like the taste of alcohol?:HAHA not really i like the feeling it gives you better.
Have a favorite candy?:anythhinggg with carmel
Believe in God?: no
Have any pets:1
Go to or plan to go to college: no
Have any piercings?:yes
Have any tattoos?: not yet
Have an obsession?: my fucking hair
Have a secret crush?: yeah
Have a best friend?:i have 3

[ LOVE LIFE ]
Ever been in love?: yes
When did you lose your virginity?: still got itt
Do you believe in love at first sight?:NO
Do you believe in "the one?": no
Describe your ideal significant other: honest.loyal.pierced.grungy.tall.lanky.exciting
[ETC]
Have you ever played a stripping game?:yes
Have you ever been intoxicated?:YES
Have you ever been caught "doing something?": ehhhhh

[ APPEARANCE ]
Hair: longg. AND REAL
Eyes: green
Height: 5 feet tall. bitch

[ LAST THING.. ]
Bought: a brownie and green tea for amanda
Ate & Drank: green tea and clam chowder
Read: idunnnoo
Watched on TV: mtv
[ WHO DO YOU WANT TO.. ]
kill: a certain girrrl
avoid: a lot

[ HAVE YOU EVER.. ]
Drank alcohol?: yes
Done drugs?: yes
Broken the law?:yes
Run away from home?: yes
Broken a bone?:no
Played Truth Or Dare?: yes
Been in a fight?: yes
Come close to dying?: mehg

[ WHAT IS.. ]
Your bedroom like?: messy, but interesting
Your favorite thing for breakfast?: rock star and a ciggarette
Your favorite restaurant?:dennys
Describe your bed: it has clothes on it rigth now
Do you know how to play poker?: i used too
What do you carry with you at all times?: my purse.

How do you drive?: wrecklessly
What do you miss most about being little?:having nothing to worry about
Are you happy with your given name?:its ugly like my face
What color is your bedroom? white

you should see my scars

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 05:41:15 GMT

when there is nothing left to burn,
you have to set yourself on fire.

cuuutee

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 02:12:32 GMT

today
me and sarah surprised amanda with sushi
we blindfolded herrr on the way there.
and we didnt take it off until she was sitting down in the restaurant.
it was funnn:]
it was too cheerher up
and i hope it worrked,

im so fucking tired right now.
i guess drained is a better word
i could sleep for a million years and it wouldnt be enough

2 things to get my by

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 02:27:13 GMT

music,andfriends.
I came to the conclusion
I dont need a boyfriend to make me happy.
maybe jussstt boys everyonceinawhile to mess around with.
haaa.

p.s.
chiodos,ivoryline,hedley, and atmosphere
are my loves now.

FUCK

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 03:03:44 GMT

what i said
im not still in love with him
i bet he lied to me amillion and one times
i doubt he even loved me ugh god
why do guys always fuck me over and leave me completely alone
im so hurt right now i dont even know what to do with myself

with everything else going on there couldnt be a worse time for troubles with boys to come up again.

FUCK IT!

mmmm

Mon, 04 Dec 2006 19:03:03 GMT

i havent written in here in awhile.
im really sick right now like ive been getting more sick each day.
im going to the doctors soon though.
i still havent figured out if im going to drop out or not
its a tough decision to make
i wish someone could make it for me.
the boy troubles are getting worse too.
im really not good enough
theres always someone else
whose prettier
skinnier
funnier
etc.
i really misss one boy in particulair
i need to talk to him soon
but i cant find him
im worried hes back into his bad habits
honestly, im still in love with him.
even though he has someone else
i wish he was still mine.
things with my mom are shittier than ever.
im only thankful for the friends i have
they brighten up my day.

mmmm

Mon, 04 Dec 2006 19:02:22 GMT

thursday after noon

Fri, 01 Dec 2006 14:37:06 GMT

wow yesterday was fucking amazing
not.
igot REJECTED
then my mom wants to kick me out
and we both end up crying
i dont know what the fuck to do
fucking lovely life i have?
oh welll,
atleast i have the best friends i could ever ask forr
ill get through this.

here is my life plan.

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 01:34:03 GMT

im going to get a full time job
and drop out
get my own shitty little apartment
and be gone from my insane mother
i feel like an orphan in this house
alot of people might be dissapointed in my decision
but its mine to make
not yours
dont give me shit for it
i will fight back

im just going to let my life take me where i need to go
but school is out.
its not for me.

i dont really get it

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 00:30:49 GMT

deceiving.
fuck.

this is for you.

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 01:45:52 GMT

Let's let the memories drift away
Let's let the memories drift away

I'm taking down these pictures of you on my wall
these scars still bleed and I'm letting them drip on our past
I'm torn between decision and dead reckoning
if I'm not fair then tell me, why do you still care?

"Get out the car and walk away"
I said with dried tears in my eyes hoping you'd ignore my words
you slammed the door and spun around as fast as you could
to get away from all this mess

So take this night
and search for the answers
I know you'll find what's right and you'll still put me through hell

drown drown drown myself.

Tue, 28 Nov 2006 02:24:50 GMT

(i just wanted to hold you in my arms.)

this weekend:
was crazy
too much alcohol going around.

i dont get it
and neither does he.

kshdkj34dfgkj
im dropping out
soon
and im going to get a job
soon
and a car
soon